This is how all five hours of my day has gone so far:
5am: Wake up and I have to piss really bad. I get up, trip over some fucking shoes, give up on trying to find the bathroom. Instead, I go for the kitchen. That’s right. I pee in sinks. Because I’m tall. And they’re at the perfect height. Also, there’s no splash back to worry about.
I’m already up, so I figure I should go ahead and brush. I’m out of fucking toothpaste. Someone is using my fucking toothpaste. Fine. Whatever. I can just hope there’s enough left from last night on the brush and go from there. I shower too. Get out, my fucking towel is missing. Wonderful. I use my shirt and shorts, then walk around naked for a while till I find some new clothes.
6am: Cigarette break. Yes, break. Because that’s how great I’m feeling at this point. So far, besides pissing in the sink, the smoke is the best part of waking up. Fuck Folgers. I sit outside for an hour, trying to relax.
7am: I want some tea. Back to the kitchen. No tea. How the fuck do I run out of tea? Fuck.
8am: Nothing is open yet. I wanted to get an oil change today, so I don’t have to rush things when I drive down to SC. I have to wait around two more hours. Fun.
9am: I remember I need to go to the bank and figure out why my card isn’t working. Walk in, straight up to the counter, no waiting. Turns out the New American at the Exxon tried to charge me $91 for two packs of smokes a week ago. Because I’m trusting, I didn’t bother to notice. Not going there again.
9:30am: I go out trying to find the Jiffy Lube. It doesn’t exist on whatever map program Microsoft uses. I get lost. I figure my way back to town, then get stuck in traffic. Someone flips me off because I don’t let them in. I put my car in park, open my door and cup my hand to my ear as though I didn’t understand/hear what they said/meant. They wave and back up. I drive forward. Keep in mind, at this point I’m extremely pissed off. My car doesn’t have AC, so everything is fucking hot. My shirt is stuck to my back from sweat. What little driving I can do with the windows(that work) down helps cool my head, keeping migraines at bay. You can wait in line two more minutes, honker. To me, I’m more important today.
10am: I try again for Jiffy Lube. Finally, the third time around, I find it. I put on my blinker, start to turn in and out of fucking nowhere a goddamn UPS truck tries to exit the fucking entrance, blocking me out. I’m getting honked at again. There’s a cop behind me. I can’t confront anyone. This is probably a good thing. Fuck it. I’ll go to Whole Foods for some tea and toothpaste.
10:15am: There’s no fucking tea bags to put the fucking tea into. Anywhere. Not even in the spice area. God. Fucking. Dammit.
10:30am: On the way back to the apartment. Dude almost slams into me because those little red lights on the back of my car apparently means that he can go faster, instead of slow down. Fuck him. Turning onto the road to the apartment complexes. Old guy on phone in front of me takes his time. He’s a two-foot driver for an automatic. I’m screaming and yelling at him. His windows are down, but I see him roll them up, looking back at me. I point in the direction the road leads, hoping he’ll understand that that is the way he needs to be looking/driving. He guns it and gets out of my way. I pull into the parking lot. Grab my water bottle and toothpaste. Wait. No. I left the fucking toothpaste on the counter at the fucking store.
10:45am: This beer tastes fantastic. I’m getting blitzed today. Not hammered. Not trashed. Blitzed.